ive been thinking about my education.. since 23 years old of living, ive been studying like mad for examination.. every single years and month, my life had been slaved to get an a for the exam.. fuh, i guess with all the hard work and thank to my parents who managed to send me to tuition centre i had managed to get a bunch of a's and i end up here in this place call university..

as time flies by, i realised that getting a good mark is not the height of success, i want more.. i want more than just an alpahabet on a exam slip, i want education.. i want to know, i want to feel the knowledge seep through my vein and insya Allah got embedded in my brain..

the huge debt

debt is the most prevail thing in this world..
nowadays, everybody live in debt.
we borrow things from people and we wonder whether we are even able to pay them back..

i have a huge debt with the usm cfcs comittee and i am going to pay them..
i have to do this and i will do it..
a promise to myself.. just DO it, enthusiastically.

the brain..

i once watch a cartoon who portrayed a mouse with the name brain. he got a big brain and all he can think of is way to conquer the world.. i used to watch a lot of cartoon, now, all the cartoon there is in the television is bull shit.. can i say that?

it is not my place to comment anything cause the truth is i dont watch the new generation cartoon. maybe, i watch a few of them, nothing in there that trigger my mind anymore.. last time i learn a lot from watching cartoon and television.. i learn languages from television, i know the meaning of certain words when i read the subtitles.. now, can i learn anything? all there is in there is war, sex and non educational thing like how to be popular and who is the most popular of all in filming industry..

when i heard a new actor spoke in melody that they are a part of the art industry, i chuckled.. a 'new' actor and actresses say that they are in the art industry, that bull shit, they dont know anything about art, all they do is say a few line of script and they say that they are in the art industry? or in malay ' industri seni'.. hmm, for me, that a total underestimating the word. they act, they dont know anything, their film suck, they underestimating the malaysian viewer, and they get paid with a lot of cash.. their film do not become the block buster and they blamed the viewer because dont give them chance.. puhlease!!!

i cant believe i start this article with the words brain, it doesnt say anything about brain.. haha.. i am crazy and hypoglycemic..

most of the thing i post talk about how pathetic my life is.. well, when i think about it, the more i wrote in this blog the more i realize that i had been whining all my life.. everything is not perfect, everything is wrong, nothing seem to be on my way.. it just like i choose a pathway that is totally off from the straight pathway i should be taken.. hurm,,

i know what is wrong with me.. ME! i am what is broken here,, ME, ME, ME well more ME..

i am not going to stop here, i need to have a START.. A beginning, a fresh start..

but hOW??

i already screw a part of it!

talk to somebody who are more experience?

but WHO??

who do i trust?? hurm,, i dont trust anybody.. i dont.. maybe that what is wrong with me.. TRUST.. i need to trust people so i can be more open to them, right? of course, but WHERE to start.. WHEN to begin? WHo to ask??

lotsa question to be asked.. not sure where to get the answer..

start NOW, i know it already.. but how?? a question that leads to more question..

a twisted misery of mind.. i think i am crazy.

rhapsody.. dont even know what the hell it meant.

when you think something, you felt something down your stomach, you can really tell what you are feeling, it felt good, it felt bad.. all the feeling in the world being blend together.. your stomach turn and twist, you are nauseated by it, you try to vomit it all out, but it stuck.. stuck down your throat.. you dont know what to do, you try to smile, but all you can do is crack your lips.. those feeling that you can feel but you are not sure how to describe them.. you know what i meant??

ive been having those feeling nowadays.. dont know why, but i do..

there is emptiness inside me that i need to fill.. but i dont know what to fill in.. am i crazy for saying all this, for questioning all this..

those ample space in my life are left without anything to be stuck with,, what the hell am i searching?? what the hell am i thinking?? what the hell???

searching for my soul? i want to do things that i like. but the crazy thing is, i dont know what i like.. i always thought that if you are doing the thing you love, you wont be working for whole of your life.. i cant still able to find that thing i love to do.. i guess i will be working the whole of my life..

HELP!! i want to love what i do.. now, i dont think i like what i do.. why?? am i not passionate enough?? i think i am not.. how to be passionate.. what if when i know what i love, it will be too late.. i am in this thing too deep and now i cant change, i cant move, im stuck?

stuck and static.. what kind a life am i leading here??

i need help desperately.. i dont think i can help myself.. i need somebody, anybody to listen and give me opinion what to do with my life..

how to live a life?? what do i want in this short life?? what!!!!?????

how to start fresh?? i am a wreck right now.

still rambling

every now and then, there are thought coming, rushing to your mind asking you, pleading you to be better. to become the best.. to try to achieve, to succeed.. but have you ever give anything to that mind, do you ignore it, or do you answer to its call??

life is changing, it never remain static, it move.. sometime it bring you up until you can touch the sky, sometime you fall till you can taste the dirt in your mouth. changes need effort, it need a strong will within you to achieve it, but where can we find this will, do you have to dig inside of you or is it already there, waiting time to be unleash..

there is a tiger inside of everybody, i once read.. is it true.. there is a tiger in me? why cant i see it? why cant i feel it? is it roaring or it just purring in there? i know mine is sleeping.. still snoaring out loud in my eardrum.. why?? because i still not changing, im still me.. i dont feel any transformation, i remain static just like a rock at an empty dessert.. not moving cause there is not enough force that push it to the limit.. it stuck there.. i am stuck..

i hate it.. i hate it..

my life education till i am 22 years old

'i thought the idea of education is to learn to think by yourself' Mr Keating, Dead Poet Society..

there is apart of me that question the learning process that i had been during school.. we are thought to excel to pass exam to get an a.. for me it is not the hard part.. anyone who give an extra effort to study can do it, getting an a is not hard now, with good education system, and good tuition center, anybody can excel..

my point is, what is the reason for education. do we prepared to face the world when we get an a for our paper. why A is so important? why do that become the subject of every parents when they ask about other parents children? do we compare our child with how many a she/he got? hurm.. perhaps it is.. that is why some school children commit suicide when they dont achieve it..

once in a while i question my self, had i been inspired by anybody at school.. the theory of excellency are based on the mark teachers wrote on top of your exam paper.. everytime during exam, we become so stressful thinking that how can we do it? how can i answer? well, if you already prepared yourself, it would not be matter, wouldnt it.. but the problem is,, we are never prepared.. we never do.. we are so caught up with the exam until we miss the point of learning.. we live and breath for exam not for education,, what we learn because of it is going to be asked on examination, not because we want to know..

i believe that our education system supress the talent and creativity of young mind.. we are not thought to think but thought how to answer question and to hafal stuff
i guess that is the reason why we never appreciate our own history..because we are not inspired by the history itself, we read it, because there will be a question to be answer..

well, heck, i never been inspired my whole life of education.. still searching for inspiration.. still searching for the reason i study!